Self-Care Sunday Week #4 – Self-Forgiveness

This week wraps up my December Self-Care Sunday topics. For this last week I wanted to talk about self-forgiveness. It seems to be that it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves, why is that? Is it because we don’t hold others to the same standards as we do ourselves? Do we demand more of ourselves than others? Maybe we feel the emotions of our mistakes more? All I do know is that I cannot be the only one who mentally beats myself up over things that I cannot change.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you” – Lewis B. Smedes.

There are many things that I have forgiven myself for over the years, it was not easy or natural but with practice and time I’ve made peace with the things that I am not proud of. There’s not much that I regret because everything in life has taught me something and it’s all part of who I am. However, I’m a work in progress and I still mess up, I still make the wrong decisions, and still find it hard to forgive myself. I replay things in my head over and over and give myself anxiety wishing I’d done it differently.

As a mother, I make mistakes – probably daily, and every night I replay what I could have done differently. Many times it feels like there’s a big difference between how I want to handle situations and how I actually end up handling them, the mother I want to be vs. the mother I am. I feel guilty working as much as I do, and I feel that maybe I am not being the best mother I could be and I worry on the effect it has on my son. I apologize to him and own it when I mess up and while he forgives me, I just can’t seem to forgive myself.

We need to forgive ourselves though, the world beats us down enough as it is, we don’t need to add to it any further. The mistakes we make do not make us inherently bad, they make us human. We are not the sum of all our mistakes. Forgiveness can help heal ourselves of past traumas. Forgiveness does not excuse away something but instead accepts the reality of it, unwrapping the negative emotions and finding peace with it. Forgiveness is not passive, it is something we must choose to do and actively pursue and work towards.

Self-forgiveness, in my opinion, is probably one of the most important aspects of self-care. It ties in with so much of our mental health; guilt, shame and fear are just a few things that can be helped when we learn to forgive ourselves. “Forgiveness has been shown to elevate mood, enhance optimism, and guard against anger, stress, anxiety, and depression” (Forgiveness Apology, Blame 2020).

We cannot change our past mistakes but we can work towards forgiving ourselves for them and when we acknowledge all that encompasses we can learn from them, heal and move forward.

Forgiveness Apology, Blame. (2020). Retrieved December 27, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/forgiveness

Self-Care Sunday Week #3: My Writing Outlet

Where do I begin this week?  This week made me realize how precious time is and how we often take it for granted, most of us think there’s always tomorrow, but for many of us tomorrow never comes. 

The holiday season is supposed to be a magical time filled with joy.  Our kids deserve to feel the magic in the air, drinking hot chocolate, watching holiday movies, baking cookies without a care in the world.

However, according to an article in Psychology Today “many therapists do agree that depression and anxiety tend to heighten during the holiday season …the demands and stress of the holidays and the expectations to be happy can make an individual feel even more depressed, especially if he/she is already struggling with a mood disorder.” (Fuller, 2019)

During these times of stress, we need to take care of ourselves.  There’s so much uncertainty in life, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and depressed, one thing that helps me process my feelings and my thoughts is writing.  Honestly, expressing myself on paper has always been so much easier for me.  Even as a child, I would write my parents notes and letters when I wanted to tell them something.  I would even write poetry on toilet paper when I didn’t have paper! 

In high school, all I could do was write.  I think that’s why my grades slipped, I just didn’t pay attention – I couldn’t, I had so much pain and confusion happening inside that I had to get it out, but I didn’t want anyone to know, so I’d write.  I never thought about what I was writing, it just poured out of me.  When I’m depressed or sad my mind spins and writing helps me get out what I’m thinking and feeling.  At sixteen I wrote a poem with the line “thoughts scatter through my mind as if they never even entered it”, I felt like the only way I could put into words what I was going through was to write them.  Honestly, I have so many journals and wrote so much throughout the years it’s become a running joke in my family.  With everything going on this year, my family keeps saying everyone’s going to need a new journal! 

I look back on the things that I’ve written over the years and realize how far I’ve come in many areas.  Journaling is a part of self-reflection, I see patterns in my behaviors, feelings and relationships and it provides me with a way to see what still needs to be worked on.  Life is a process, there is no easy path, there’s not even one path, writing is part of my life’s path.  Change and growth are necessary parts of living, nothing should remain stagnant, and as cliché as it is, we need to remember where we’ve been to know where it is we want to go.  Who I am and who I want to become are direct results of who I was and what I experienced.

So, while, self-care can be about pampering and spoiling ourselves (because we need that too), it is also those things that we need to do to take care of ourselves in order to survive. For me, letting people in to know how I feel is scary and I don’t always like to let my walls down and be vulnerable, so when I feel I have nowhere to turn or no one to talk to, I write.  There are times I need to write, to purge everything that I bottle up inside of me, my hopes and fears; when life fucks me up and I don’t know what to do, when I feel lost or unheard my pen and paper are always there … “Because paper has more patience than people” – Anne Frank.

Fuller, K., MD. (2019, December 5). Holiday Depression and the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Bringing the joy back into your life during the holiday season. Retrieved December 20, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201912/holiday-depression-and-the-most-wonderful-time-the-year

Self-Care Sunday Week #2: Relaxation

Finding ways to relax and unwind, as hard as it may be, I think is critical to our-well being. We cannot constantly be in a state of stress and anxiety. We need time to exhale, to be still and calm. How can we be the best version of ourselves if you don’t pause every now and again to regroup? Our bodies and our minds need rest, they need us to take care of them so they can continue to take of us.

I love getting massages, but finding the time to actual go and get one isn’t so easy. Last year I was pretty consistent with scheduling a monthly massage or facial and it was just what I needed. However, this year, as with so many other things, that went out the door.

Life has been so chaotic lately, running around trying to accomplish what feels like the impossible. Most days I feel like I’m failing. My house is a mess, weeks of laundry needs to be folded and put away, even more laundry needs to be washed and I have a super busy week ahead of me at work, not to mention getting my son off to school and arranging for his care after school while I’m at work. I’m sure most, if not all, of you know how this feels. How can I relax when there’s so much to do?

After working yesterday, I said “I think I’m going to take a bath” and my son said “mom, let me make it for you”, my heart melted. He made me a bubble bath and even added some lavender in it , however he then decided it was for him! Today, I got to take my bubble bath, but I couldn’t get my mind to power down, I tried but failed. I put my head back under the water so only my face was out, sounds got far away but as I started to drift into the peace and quiet my mind started thinking about what I needed to do the rest of the day so I scraped the bath idea.

Most days I feel like I’m rushing around and always in a state of “high-alert”, therefore, I need to be able to relax at the end of the day. Every night after everyone has gone to bed and no one needs anything from me, I make my self some sleepy time tea and a little snack, turn on the TV and relax. I usually watch what I call “mindless TV” shows that I don’t need to think in order to watch because if I have to think my mind stays in that “high-alert” state and I won’t be able to fall asleep. This is my nightly ritual that helps keep me sane. Before I started this routine I would often have to take Tylenol PM or Midnight PM to fall asleep but I knew this wasn’t healthy. I don’t think the sleepy time tea actually helps me sleep but I enjoy that time of night by myself, it’s soothing and relaxing.

I realized that relaxation doesn’t have to be some big event or something that I schedule monthly but something small I can do for myself daily, like drinking my sleepy time tea, something that helps me let go of the stress of the day and stops me from worrying about the day to come. So take a moment, exhale and find something that helps you relax, even if it’s just for 5 minutes.

Self-Care Sunday Week #1: Running as Therapy

I didn’t start running until I was 29/30 years old. I was living on my own and in a bit of a rut, I think I just kept waiting for life to happen instead of going out and grabbing it. I felt like I was at a crossroads, I was getting older and going out and partying every weekend just wasn’t fun anymore. I wanted more out of life. I decided that I was going to start doing things that really interested me, that sparked something inside of me and made me want to be better and do better.

I kept getting flyers for Team in Training and decided to go to one of their information meetings at my local library.  For those unfamiliar with Team in Training, they raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society through sporting events like marathons, triathlons, etc.  All I needed was that one meeting, I signed up on the spot to run, what would be, my first ½ marathon.  That’s right, never ran before and now I was going to run 13.1 miles in just 4 months!  Team in Training provided training plans and weekly group runs with run coaches, it took me about a month before I joined one of the group runs.  I still lived in my apartment at this time which was about 15 minutes from the ocean so I would put on head phones and run on the boardwalk, when I could run 4 miles straight, I joined my first group run. 

On the first 7-mile group run my iPod broke within the 1^st mile.  The run was on a path in the woods and it was beautiful and peaceful.  It was my longest run to date, I kept a steadier pace than ever before and I learned something – with the music off, I got to tune into myself, my thoughts and the world around me.  I never ran with headphones again.  I ran that first ½ marathon in Arizona, I ran it slow but I crossed the finish line and found a new love.  Since that first ½ marathon I ran another ½, a ½ marathon relay, (2) triathlons, and numerous 5k’s.

A few months later I bought my first house and got a Rhodesian Ridgeback (I fell in love with the breed after seeing one on a run), her name was Sadie and she became my running partner.  Sadie and I ran 3 days a week, sometimes on the roads, sometimes on wooded trails … just me, her and the open air.  Running became my therapy.  It helped me recharge, refocus and de-stress.  I looked forward to our runs and needed them as much as she did.  For the first time in my life I was listening to my body, I was feeding it what it needed to sustain my runs and for the first time I stopped getting on the scale (as someone who struggled with body issues, self-esteem and anorexia, this was an amazing victory).  I felt like I found freedom.

I once had someone tell me that I ran so much because I was running from my problems, what they didn’t understand, was I ran so much for the exact opposite reasons. Running gave me something nothing else has ever been able to, peace of mind. My mind never shuts off, it’s consistently spinning and running quieted all my inner demons. All I had to do is put my shoes on and head outside, it helped me think. I wasn’t running away from my problems, I was running head on into them and coming out stronger.

In 2012 I signed up with another organization to run my 1^st full marathon while raising money for pediatric brain cancer, unfortunately a few days after my 16 mile run I ended up in the hospital for a week with viral meningitis.  Doctor’s said they were surprised I was alive, when the fog began to lift and I was starting to feel better my first question was “can I still run the marathon”, the answer was a firm no.  It would take a good 6 months before the headaches cleared and I was able to run again, I felt like I was starting from the beginning.  I only ever got back up to 3 mile runs and then my journey to motherhood began, running was put on hold.

I was never a natural runner, very uneven and heavy footed but I loved it.  I say “loved” because I haven’t run in about 3 or 4 years due to some back and hip issues that I ignored, but I think about running daily.  I have not found anything that sooths my soul and calms my mind like running did and I would love to be able to get back out on the open road/trails again one day. For now, while I finally try to heal my back and hip, I am envious of the runners I pass on the road and I am quietly cheering them on hoping they find as much joy in it as I did.

I am no expert by any means, but for anyone starting out on their running journey, I will offer the following tips:

• Find what sneakers work best for you.  I started out running in one brand, but soon found that were giving me issues, they had a narrow toe box and I needed a wider one, once I switched it changed everything.  Find what sneakers works best for you and remember, what works for one person, might not work for another.

• Good socks! 

• Corn Covers!  Sounds weird, but as someone who has a longer 2^nd toe and lost this toe nail a few times, corn covers became a life saver.  I slid them on over my toe nails before putting my socks on and they protected my toe nails perfectly!

• Training: I found running 3x a week was my sweet spot.  I ran two shorter runs, usually on Monday’s and Wednesday’s and then one longer run on Saturday’s.   When I was trying to increase my distance, I added 1 mile a week to my long runs, I would increase by 1 mile for 3 weeks and then I would drop back down for a week. Also, stretch! Warm-up and cool-down – not doing these things properly even though I knew I should is what has contributed to my back & hip issues. Another mistake I made is not strength training enough, all I wanted to do was run and I feared if I strength trained I would be too sore on the run days – this was another contributing factor to my back & hip issues! Don’t make the mistakes I made!

• Keep your own pace, you’re running for you!

• Most importantly, tune into your mind and your body, pay attention to how you feel and what your body is asking for.

Again, I am no expert, but these are the things that worked for me, some may work for you, some may not. You know your body better than anyone else and finding what works best is all part of the journey.

Anyone running, please run a few miles for me, I miss it and I need it!

Self-Care

The holiday season can be a stressful time, especially during a pandemic! We are all stressed with caring for our loved ones, financial worries, managing our time, etc. For many of us the holiday season can be depressing, reminding us of those we’ve lost … add in a global pandemic and our stress levels sky rocket! This is why it is important to take care of ourselves and find something that recharges us and feeds our souls.

Each Sunday during the month of December I will be writing about the things that I find replenishing, such as physical exercise, connecting with nature, meditation, getting a massage, writing, and reading a good book. Admittedly, I have let these things slide and I need to get back into a better routine. Recently, I read an article that talked about self-care as a way to escape, while this may be true for some (and it’s okay if it is), for me, self-care is about de-stressing, refocusing and letting go; it gives me mental clarity and peace of mind. The past year (maybe even longer) I have not set aside the time to take care of myself, I’ve been so busy running a business, being a wife, being a mother and taking care of everything and everyone else I have ignored myself and it is beginning to effect my overall well-being. I am a better person when regularly engaging in activities that can help me shut out all the noise and re-ground myself.

Self-care may look different to each of us, I’d love to hear what everyone does to take care of themselves, maybe we can all find something new and helpful to add to our routines.