Is it 2022 yet???

Happy New Year! I think we are all happy to leave 2020 behind us, although 2021 does not seem to be off to a great start.

I’m not going to lie, being a working mom to a 6 year old in the middle of a pandemic is a struggle.

I’ve worked for my father in the auction business for over 20 years. I enjoyed the job, and the flexibility allowed me to pursue other interests which made me feel fulfilled.  I scheduled things around our busy days and seasons and I was able to take acting classes, go on vacations, and at the age of 30 go to college to earn my BA.  Since I was a little girl all I ever wanted to do was work with animals, but I admit, science was not my strong suit so I abandoned the idea of becoming a veterinarian early on.  However, while in college, I majored in psychology and took some courses in animal behavior, even writing my senior year thesis on the subject.  I thought maybe I could counsel using animal assisted therapies. 

At the age of 35, I started graduate school to get my Master’s in Psychological Counseling … and got pregnant, all still while working for the auction company.  After my son was born, I put my Master’s Degree on hold and just concentrated on being a working mom and wife.  Here is where that flexibility really worked out again.  My mom watched my son 3 days a week so I could work, other days I did what I could working from home, I was also able to bring my son to the office with me when needed – it was the perfect job.  I was half a stay at home mom / half a working mom.

In 2018-2019 I went back to school to finish my Master’s degree, taking night and online classes.  I really enjoyed being in school but it was difficult balancing everything and I worried about paying for school so after one semester with only about 5 classes left to graduate, I quit.  Around this time my father decided that at the end of 2019 he would retire and now I worried about what I would do. My husband encouraged me to take over my father’s business – I was hesitant. The main reason was because I did not want to get up on the microphone, my husband said he would go to auction school and do it, so that’s what we planned for.  It really made the most sense and was the best option. 

So in the spring of 2019 I sat with my father’s business partner and talked with him about me stepping into my father’s role and in the summer my husband went to auction school.  All was going as planned. At this time, my son was 5 years old and in Pre-K five half days a week, my father had knee surgery in the summer so my parents were watching him less.  I had a fully functioning home office and got as much work done as possible from 8:30am – 11:30am every day and was still able to work after he got home from school.  I was also still able to take him to the park, on bike-rides, ice-skating, etc.  Again, it was a great work-life balance.

At the end of 2019, beginning of 2020 we all knew my father was not feeling well, despite him telling us he was fine.  As my parents got ready for their annual winter in Florida, my father was sent for some tests.  They left for Florida before the results were back and they got the call soon afterward.  My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  My parents left Florida to come back to NJ to meet with doctors and see where we go from here.  He was scheduled to have part of his pancreas and his spleen removed on March 13, 2020.

Work was steady, without the help of my parents with my son, and with everything going on with my dad, I had to keep telling myself I just need to make it to September when my son would be in full time kindergarten.  The world had other plans.

My dad’s surgery was moved up from March 13^th to March 9^th, all went well and he is currently cancer free.  Several days later, our state shutdown due to the COVID-19 Pandemic.  Schools and non-essential businesses were closed.  Like many others, I now had a full-time job while parenting simultaneously.  At first, it was pretty easy.  We had to postpone all auctions so for the next few months there was not much work to do.  We stayed in touch with our clients and customers, updated our website and prepared for the changes for when we could get back to business.  My days were filled with a little bit of work, bike rides, walks and playing with my son.

Then at the end of June work picked up.  Our auctions transitioned from live auctions to online only auctions.  Business was steady, then got busier and busier.  School in my township offered two options: Option 1. hybrid schedule, certain kids would go Monday and Wednesday, other kids would go Tuesday and Thursday and they would alternate every other Friday, school days would be shortened and kids were required to wear masks.  The days they were home they would have virtual school; Option 2.  All virtual.  Neither seemed to fit our needs, so we unenrolled our son in public school and signed him up with a private homeschool.  The homeschool sent us the curriculum and all the materials we would need to teach him at our convenience.  We set up a classroom in our house, I was excited to embark on the homeschool journey.  The first week or two were great, my son and I were having fun with homeschool and I felt like I was really getting to spend good quality time with him, but it was short lived.

Everything changed.  Online auctions require more work, more time and more effort.  Work was so busy, we had auctions opening and closing every week and I no longer had time for anything else.  I sat at my computer from 8:30am to 6:00pm, eating at my desk – if I ate at all, I’d stop to make dinner and after my son went to sleep get back on the computer to finish work.  Some days I never got out of my pajama’s.

My job was no longer as flexible as it once was and I wondered if I was sacrificing more than it’s worth.  I cried every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, I yelled, screamed had breakdown after breakdown and just tried to keep pushing forward. I crossed each day off my calendar thinking I made it one more day. If you weren’t in my house, you’d never know it though!

I felt like I was ignoring my child 95% of the day, which made me feel like the worst parent on earth.  My family cannot afford for me to not work so I tried telling myself I am providing for my family, but often wondered “at what expense?” My husband would come home and ask, “how was your day?’ my son would respond, “mom cried again”.

In October I decided I had to rent office space again and hired two women to help me, I don’t know if I would have made it the rest of the year without them. Homeschooling wasn’t happening at this point so we re-enrolled our son in public school for the hybrid schedule. Virtual school days were impossible, I couldn’t work and help my kindergartener with his school work at the same time so we signed him up at a tutoring/educational center where he goes on his virtual school days.

Having help and my son going back to school (although it’s not a full schedule) has lifted some of the stress, but not all. I still feel guilt and shame for not spending enough time with my son, time he deserves… I constantly felt like I am putting work before him and that feels really fucking shitty. I can’t help but think that this is why women leave the workforce, because as much as we try, we cannot always do it all. I wonder everyday, if I am making the right decisions and choices and often realize that I’m not even sure what the right choice is.

This is where I’m at. 

I know the pandemic flipped many of our world’s upside down, I know I’m not the only one.   I also know that my struggles right now are that of privilege, there are many without jobs right now and struggling to figure out how to put food on the table or a roof over their head. You just never know what people are struggling with, we often put on our brave faces and we all are just doing the best we can.

As I am sitting writing this I just got a message that school will be all virtual for the next two weeks … I don’t know what else to say right now except …

I see you, I’m with you, we are all in this together.

Self-Care Sunday Week #4 – Self-Forgiveness

This week wraps up my December Self-Care Sunday topics. For this last week I wanted to talk about self-forgiveness. It seems to be that it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves, why is that? Is it because we don’t hold others to the same standards as we do ourselves? Do we demand more of ourselves than others? Maybe we feel the emotions of our mistakes more? All I do know is that I cannot be the only one who mentally beats myself up over things that I cannot change.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you” – Lewis B. Smedes.

There are many things that I have forgiven myself for over the years, it was not easy or natural but with practice and time I’ve made peace with the things that I am not proud of. There’s not much that I regret because everything in life has taught me something and it’s all part of who I am. However, I’m a work in progress and I still mess up, I still make the wrong decisions, and still find it hard to forgive myself. I replay things in my head over and over and give myself anxiety wishing I’d done it differently.

As a mother, I make mistakes – probably daily, and every night I replay what I could have done differently. Many times it feels like there’s a big difference between how I want to handle situations and how I actually end up handling them, the mother I want to be vs. the mother I am. I feel guilty working as much as I do, and I feel that maybe I am not being the best mother I could be and I worry on the effect it has on my son. I apologize to him and own it when I mess up and while he forgives me, I just can’t seem to forgive myself.

We need to forgive ourselves though, the world beats us down enough as it is, we don’t need to add to it any further. The mistakes we make do not make us inherently bad, they make us human. We are not the sum of all our mistakes. Forgiveness can help heal ourselves of past traumas. Forgiveness does not excuse away something but instead accepts the reality of it, unwrapping the negative emotions and finding peace with it. Forgiveness is not passive, it is something we must choose to do and actively pursue and work towards.

Self-forgiveness, in my opinion, is probably one of the most important aspects of self-care. It ties in with so much of our mental health; guilt, shame and fear are just a few things that can be helped when we learn to forgive ourselves. “Forgiveness has been shown to elevate mood, enhance optimism, and guard against anger, stress, anxiety, and depression” (Forgiveness Apology, Blame 2020).

We cannot change our past mistakes but we can work towards forgiving ourselves for them and when we acknowledge all that encompasses we can learn from them, heal and move forward.

Forgiveness Apology, Blame. (2020). Retrieved December 27, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/forgiveness

Self-Care Sunday Week #3: My Writing Outlet

Where do I begin this week?  This week made me realize how precious time is and how we often take it for granted, most of us think there’s always tomorrow, but for many of us tomorrow never comes. 

The holiday season is supposed to be a magical time filled with joy.  Our kids deserve to feel the magic in the air, drinking hot chocolate, watching holiday movies, baking cookies without a care in the world.

However, according to an article in Psychology Today “many therapists do agree that depression and anxiety tend to heighten during the holiday season …the demands and stress of the holidays and the expectations to be happy can make an individual feel even more depressed, especially if he/she is already struggling with a mood disorder.” (Fuller, 2019)

During these times of stress, we need to take care of ourselves.  There’s so much uncertainty in life, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and depressed, one thing that helps me process my feelings and my thoughts is writing.  Honestly, expressing myself on paper has always been so much easier for me.  Even as a child, I would write my parents notes and letters when I wanted to tell them something.  I would even write poetry on toilet paper when I didn’t have paper! 

In high school, all I could do was write.  I think that’s why my grades slipped, I just didn’t pay attention – I couldn’t, I had so much pain and confusion happening inside that I had to get it out, but I didn’t want anyone to know, so I’d write.  I never thought about what I was writing, it just poured out of me.  When I’m depressed or sad my mind spins and writing helps me get out what I’m thinking and feeling.  At sixteen I wrote a poem with the line “thoughts scatter through my mind as if they never even entered it”, I felt like the only way I could put into words what I was going through was to write them.  Honestly, I have so many journals and wrote so much throughout the years it’s become a running joke in my family.  With everything going on this year, my family keeps saying everyone’s going to need a new journal! 

I look back on the things that I’ve written over the years and realize how far I’ve come in many areas.  Journaling is a part of self-reflection, I see patterns in my behaviors, feelings and relationships and it provides me with a way to see what still needs to be worked on.  Life is a process, there is no easy path, there’s not even one path, writing is part of my life’s path.  Change and growth are necessary parts of living, nothing should remain stagnant, and as cliché as it is, we need to remember where we’ve been to know where it is we want to go.  Who I am and who I want to become are direct results of who I was and what I experienced.

So, while, self-care can be about pampering and spoiling ourselves (because we need that too), it is also those things that we need to do to take care of ourselves in order to survive. For me, letting people in to know how I feel is scary and I don’t always like to let my walls down and be vulnerable, so when I feel I have nowhere to turn or no one to talk to, I write.  There are times I need to write, to purge everything that I bottle up inside of me, my hopes and fears; when life fucks me up and I don’t know what to do, when I feel lost or unheard my pen and paper are always there … “Because paper has more patience than people” – Anne Frank.

Fuller, K., MD. (2019, December 5). Holiday Depression and the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Bringing the joy back into your life during the holiday season. Retrieved December 20, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201912/holiday-depression-and-the-most-wonderful-time-the-year

Self-Care Sunday Week #2: Relaxation

Finding ways to relax and unwind, as hard as it may be, I think is critical to our-well being. We cannot constantly be in a state of stress and anxiety. We need time to exhale, to be still and calm. How can we be the best version of ourselves if you don’t pause every now and again to regroup? Our bodies and our minds need rest, they need us to take care of them so they can continue to take of us.

I love getting massages, but finding the time to actual go and get one isn’t so easy. Last year I was pretty consistent with scheduling a monthly massage or facial and it was just what I needed. However, this year, as with so many other things, that went out the door.

Life has been so chaotic lately, running around trying to accomplish what feels like the impossible. Most days I feel like I’m failing. My house is a mess, weeks of laundry needs to be folded and put away, even more laundry needs to be washed and I have a super busy week ahead of me at work, not to mention getting my son off to school and arranging for his care after school while I’m at work. I’m sure most, if not all, of you know how this feels. How can I relax when there’s so much to do?

After working yesterday, I said “I think I’m going to take a bath” and my son said “mom, let me make it for you”, my heart melted. He made me a bubble bath and even added some lavender in it , however he then decided it was for him! Today, I got to take my bubble bath, but I couldn’t get my mind to power down, I tried but failed. I put my head back under the water so only my face was out, sounds got far away but as I started to drift into the peace and quiet my mind started thinking about what I needed to do the rest of the day so I scraped the bath idea.

Most days I feel like I’m rushing around and always in a state of “high-alert”, therefore, I need to be able to relax at the end of the day. Every night after everyone has gone to bed and no one needs anything from me, I make my self some sleepy time tea and a little snack, turn on the TV and relax. I usually watch what I call “mindless TV” shows that I don’t need to think in order to watch because if I have to think my mind stays in that “high-alert” state and I won’t be able to fall asleep. This is my nightly ritual that helps keep me sane. Before I started this routine I would often have to take Tylenol PM or Midnight PM to fall asleep but I knew this wasn’t healthy. I don’t think the sleepy time tea actually helps me sleep but I enjoy that time of night by myself, it’s soothing and relaxing.

I realized that relaxation doesn’t have to be some big event or something that I schedule monthly but something small I can do for myself daily, like drinking my sleepy time tea, something that helps me let go of the stress of the day and stops me from worrying about the day to come. So take a moment, exhale and find something that helps you relax, even if it’s just for 5 minutes.

Self-Care Sunday Week #1: Running as Therapy

I didn’t start running until I was 29/30 years old. I was living on my own and in a bit of a rut, I think I just kept waiting for life to happen instead of going out and grabbing it. I felt like I was at a crossroads, I was getting older and going out and partying every weekend just wasn’t fun anymore. I wanted more out of life. I decided that I was going to start doing things that really interested me, that sparked something inside of me and made me want to be better and do better.

I kept getting flyers for Team in Training and decided to go to one of their information meetings at my local library.  For those unfamiliar with Team in Training, they raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society through sporting events like marathons, triathlons, etc.  All I needed was that one meeting, I signed up on the spot to run, what would be, my first ½ marathon.  That’s right, never ran before and now I was going to run 13.1 miles in just 4 months!  Team in Training provided training plans and weekly group runs with run coaches, it took me about a month before I joined one of the group runs.  I still lived in my apartment at this time which was about 15 minutes from the ocean so I would put on head phones and run on the boardwalk, when I could run 4 miles straight, I joined my first group run. 

On the first 7-mile group run my iPod broke within the 1^st mile.  The run was on a path in the woods and it was beautiful and peaceful.  It was my longest run to date, I kept a steadier pace than ever before and I learned something – with the music off, I got to tune into myself, my thoughts and the world around me.  I never ran with headphones again.  I ran that first ½ marathon in Arizona, I ran it slow but I crossed the finish line and found a new love.  Since that first ½ marathon I ran another ½, a ½ marathon relay, (2) triathlons, and numerous 5k’s.

A few months later I bought my first house and got a Rhodesian Ridgeback (I fell in love with the breed after seeing one on a run), her name was Sadie and she became my running partner.  Sadie and I ran 3 days a week, sometimes on the roads, sometimes on wooded trails … just me, her and the open air.  Running became my therapy.  It helped me recharge, refocus and de-stress.  I looked forward to our runs and needed them as much as she did.  For the first time in my life I was listening to my body, I was feeding it what it needed to sustain my runs and for the first time I stopped getting on the scale (as someone who struggled with body issues, self-esteem and anorexia, this was an amazing victory).  I felt like I found freedom.

I once had someone tell me that I ran so much because I was running from my problems, what they didn’t understand, was I ran so much for the exact opposite reasons. Running gave me something nothing else has ever been able to, peace of mind. My mind never shuts off, it’s consistently spinning and running quieted all my inner demons. All I had to do is put my shoes on and head outside, it helped me think. I wasn’t running away from my problems, I was running head on into them and coming out stronger.

In 2012 I signed up with another organization to run my 1^st full marathon while raising money for pediatric brain cancer, unfortunately a few days after my 16 mile run I ended up in the hospital for a week with viral meningitis.  Doctor’s said they were surprised I was alive, when the fog began to lift and I was starting to feel better my first question was “can I still run the marathon”, the answer was a firm no.  It would take a good 6 months before the headaches cleared and I was able to run again, I felt like I was starting from the beginning.  I only ever got back up to 3 mile runs and then my journey to motherhood began, running was put on hold.

I was never a natural runner, very uneven and heavy footed but I loved it.  I say “loved” because I haven’t run in about 3 or 4 years due to some back and hip issues that I ignored, but I think about running daily.  I have not found anything that sooths my soul and calms my mind like running did and I would love to be able to get back out on the open road/trails again one day. For now, while I finally try to heal my back and hip, I am envious of the runners I pass on the road and I am quietly cheering them on hoping they find as much joy in it as I did.

I am no expert by any means, but for anyone starting out on their running journey, I will offer the following tips:

• Find what sneakers work best for you.  I started out running in one brand, but soon found that were giving me issues, they had a narrow toe box and I needed a wider one, once I switched it changed everything.  Find what sneakers works best for you and remember, what works for one person, might not work for another.

• Good socks! 

• Corn Covers!  Sounds weird, but as someone who has a longer 2^nd toe and lost this toe nail a few times, corn covers became a life saver.  I slid them on over my toe nails before putting my socks on and they protected my toe nails perfectly!

• Training: I found running 3x a week was my sweet spot.  I ran two shorter runs, usually on Monday’s and Wednesday’s and then one longer run on Saturday’s.   When I was trying to increase my distance, I added 1 mile a week to my long runs, I would increase by 1 mile for 3 weeks and then I would drop back down for a week. Also, stretch! Warm-up and cool-down – not doing these things properly even though I knew I should is what has contributed to my back & hip issues. Another mistake I made is not strength training enough, all I wanted to do was run and I feared if I strength trained I would be too sore on the run days – this was another contributing factor to my back & hip issues! Don’t make the mistakes I made!

• Keep your own pace, you’re running for you!

• Most importantly, tune into your mind and your body, pay attention to how you feel and what your body is asking for.

Again, I am no expert, but these are the things that worked for me, some may work for you, some may not. You know your body better than anyone else and finding what works best is all part of the journey.

Anyone running, please run a few miles for me, I miss it and I need it!

Self-Care

The holiday season can be a stressful time, especially during a pandemic! We are all stressed with caring for our loved ones, financial worries, managing our time, etc. For many of us the holiday season can be depressing, reminding us of those we’ve lost … add in a global pandemic and our stress levels sky rocket! This is why it is important to take care of ourselves and find something that recharges us and feeds our souls.

Each Sunday during the month of December I will be writing about the things that I find replenishing, such as physical exercise, connecting with nature, meditation, getting a massage, writing, and reading a good book. Admittedly, I have let these things slide and I need to get back into a better routine. Recently, I read an article that talked about self-care as a way to escape, while this may be true for some (and it’s okay if it is), for me, self-care is about de-stressing, refocusing and letting go; it gives me mental clarity and peace of mind. The past year (maybe even longer) I have not set aside the time to take care of myself, I’ve been so busy running a business, being a wife, being a mother and taking care of everything and everyone else I have ignored myself and it is beginning to effect my overall well-being. I am a better person when regularly engaging in activities that can help me shut out all the noise and re-ground myself.

Self-care may look different to each of us, I’d love to hear what everyone does to take care of themselves, maybe we can all find something new and helpful to add to our routines.

The Power of Women

I wanted to start this blog acknowledging the power of women, especially when we come together to lift each other up. I remembered the quote below by Nikita Gill …

“Fill your life with women that empower you, that help you believe in your magic and aid them to believe in their own exceptional power and their incredible magic too. Women that believe in each other can survive anything. Women who believe in each other create armies that will win kingdoms and wars.” – Nikita Gill

This is the perfect quote for what I want this community to be. One that empowers other women, one in which we support and believe in each other. A place where judgement is left behind. So often we tear each other down, we judge and snicker behind each other’s backs; so often we try to bear the burdens of our lives by ourselves. My hope is to create a community of empathy and understanding.

Growing up I underestimated the importance of having girlfriends, real true girlfriends, probably because I had a hard time letting people in. Sure, I had friends, but truly letting someone in I struggled with – I was afraid of judgment and I feared rejection. To be honest, I still struggle with letting people in and I still often choose to tough things out by myself. When things get hard and I want to reach out to girlfriends, I often don’t and I just wind up feeling even more alone.

Throughout the years I’ve let go of “friendships” after realizing they were not true and real friends. I overheard the under the breath comments one girlfriend made about another friends weight gain, and yet another girls cellulite, I was surprised and shocked. I didn’t know what to say or how to react in the moment, but I wondered quietly to myself what she says about me? It was so superficial and just not the type of friendship I wanted. Why do we as women, feel the need to knock each other down? Why are we always reduced to our looks and weight?

When I think of women empowerment, I can’t help but think of my girlfriend, Andi. We met back in 2005 at an audition for an independent movie, we both got cast and roomed together during filming. An instant bond was made and we have stayed in touch throughout the last 15 years. Months can go by without us talking, but we always pick right back up where we left off. There is no judgment in our relationship, just honesty and support, not only do I love that, but I need that – WE need that, we all need that. Andi, is a woman’s woman, she, without knowing it, has taught me the power of lifting other women up; she sees the truth and beauty of women; she has shown me that it is possible to have friendships without jealousy.

Imagine the power, the force, we as women can be if we build each other up instead of knocking each other down. We are not each other’s enemies. We need each other. Together let’s build a bigger and stronger community of open-minded, honest, women, let’s tear down the walls and unlock our magic!

Welcome!

Welcome to A Woman’s Confession where we will cover all things women!  We will discuss a variety of topics, including women’s sexuality, sexual health, relationships, societal pressures & expectations placed on women, eating disorders, motherhood, self-care, mind-body benefits of exercise, influential women and much more!  No topic will be off limits!